The Devil’s IT Dictionary Definitions

(I take no responsibility whatsoever for anyone taking any of these definitions seriously).

Data Base Administrator, DBA

This is the guy who controls the database and stops you doing anything even half-way useful with it. This is a very territorial position and best allocated to a really pedantic control freak. Within months the programmers will be up in arms and will have driven him into another job with another company. You don’t need that kind of guy working in an IT department.

Deadline

A humourous prophecy of the date when a computer project will complete. Also; “immovable deadline” – a reasonably accurate prediction of exactly when a computer project will fail.

Demon (Or Daemon)

One of the few remaining technical terms that indicates computing’s origins in black magic and satanism. A demon is an independent process that sits invisibly in the background on a Unix computer doing unspeakable things.

The Devil’s IT Dictionary Definitions

(I take no responsibility whatsoever for anyone taking any of these definitions seriously).

Wormhole Router

A router that bends the space-time continuum and sends your information packets through a parallel universe before delivering them. (Yes, there is such a thing as a wormhole router. Google it.)

Interface

This is a place within a computer system where something links to something else. If programmers have anything to do with making the linkage happen then the interface is referred to as an API (Application Programmer’s Interface) and deliberately made horribly cryptic so that using it can be regarded as a skill.

RAID

RAID is the most misleading acronym yet created in computing. It stands for Redundant Array of Inexpensive Disks. So what does that mean? Well it means that there’s a whole array of really cheap disks and they’re redundant, surplus to requirements, not needed, useless. Not only that, but RAID arrays are graded according to uselessness, from RAID 0, (quite useless) to RAID 5 (really phenomenally useless).

The Devil’s IT Dictionary Definitions

(I take no responsibility whatsoever for anyone taking any of these definitions seriously).

Binary

A method of counting using only 1s and 0s to represent the numbers. It’s quite workable, but it starts getting complicated if you have to count higher than one.

Data Warehouse

A large database into which you can pour huge amounts of money without any risk of exceeding its capacity to accept more.

Structured Programming

In the dark ages of computing before the invention of Java and XML “structured programming” was a cruel and unusual way of torturing programmers by making them adopt standard naming conventions and write code in a predefined manner. This was the cause of the great programmers revolt of the late 20th century when vast numbers of programmers left the industry to form rock groups while, at the same time, a small cadre of revolutionary programmers, working in secret, invented Java and XML, thus destroying structured programming forever.

The Devil’s IT Dictionary Definitions

(I take no responsibility whatsoever for anyone taking any of these definitions seriously).

Special Characters

These are characters that never appear on keyboards for the obvious reason that they have no useful function. For example, the utterly useless characters h and f are special characters. So is D. I hope you’re impressed. Some of these characters purport to derive from dead languages and scripts, while others are clearly jokes played on PC users by developers at Microsoft.

Carrier

A word that describes an individual that spreads diseases and starts epidemics. Also “carrier signal”: a message from such an individual; and “carrier grade”: the score such an individual achieved in a school test.

IT Security Products

Computer products that are designed to powerfully and irreversibly bolt the stable door after the horse has fled.

The Devil’s IT Dictionary Definitions

(I take no responsibility whatsoever for anyone taking any of these definitions seriously).

Autoformat

A word processor command that orders the word processing software to irretrievably trash the current document in a way that cannot be reversed by the “Undo” command. It has no other function.

Recycle Bin

The recycle bin (or waste bin) on the Windows or Apple desktop is a place into which unwanted files can be put in the hope that the OS will separate out the binary digits and reuse them for new information that you create. The fact is that these OSes don’t recycle those valuable bits at all. Instead they just sweep them under the desktop where they develop mold and breed pestilence.

JINI

This is an awful spelling mistake made by the marketing folk at Sun Microsystems. The correct spelling is Jinni (the Arab singular from whence comes the French word “Genie” which is the form preferred by Walt Disney). You may also meet with Jinn and Djinn. As regards its technological meaning, we have no clue.