AntiVirus software is truly disturbing, so this week AVID, which really stands for AntiVirus Is Dead, also stands for AntiVirus Is Disturbing. And it really is. Allow me to introduce you to some pestilent viral logic bombs (it’s life Jim, but not as we know it).

First, take a bow, the Morris Worm. Well what can I say? The Morris Worm stopped 10% of computers connected to the Internet. An awesome achievement for a worm that may never be equalled again. But that was in 1998, in the days before everyone had AV software, right?

And if Helen of Troy was beautiful (Is this the face that launched a thousand ships?) then how about the gorgeous Melissa. Is she the virus that stopped a million chips at a cost of $1.5 billion. Yes she is. She was easily the most appealing female virus of 1999. She’s feisty and she’s pricey.

Three little words, eight little letters and everyone but everyone longs to hear it. It’s “I Love You”. And we certainly got the message in the year 2000 from the I Love You virus. But, in the end, don’t you know it; love hurts. I Love You certainly did. The cost was $8.75 billion.

By then we were getting the message. Right. Go down to your local software shop and get some AV. Hey that’ll stop the pain.

In 2001 (A Space Odyssey), HAL, the computer, can read lips. Indeed, it is so intelligent that it recognizes bad acting and tries to prevent a wooden “actronaut” from getting back into the mothership. “I’m afraid I can’t allow that Dave” etc. In the real 2001, non-Apple computers are so dumb that they let just about anything onto the motherboard. In 2001 millions of computers had visits from Sircam (cost $1.25 billion) Code Red (cost $2.75 billion) and Nimda (cost $1.5 billion).

Come on. Be fair. It takes a while for people to get the AV message. But eventually they take the pills and cure the ills. I mean what about 2002; Klez only $750 million impact, BugBear $500 million impact and Badtrands $400 million impact. What kind of dumb analyst are you that can’t spot a trend?

But then came 2003; Slammer Worm—$1.5 billion impact. SoBig.F—$2.5 billion impact. This was not a bear market for viruses.

By 2004 nearly all computers at home and in businesses had AV software. We’re talking 99+% penetration. I mean the AV vendors were wittering on about viruses on mobile phones. They were out hunting for new devices to fail to protect. Enter MyDoom, with the impact of a giant asteroid. $4 billion damages—none of it to mobile phones.

Yes indeed AV is disturbing, and one of its aspects that is disturbing is that with every one of these viruses there’s always been some AV spokesman happily doing interviews with the press and television, getting free publicity for the AV software that failed to stop the outbreak. You know the kind of comments they make…

“Yes the AlienSexPills virus is an entirely new virus, although it bears some resemblance to MeanBastard.C virus of June 2003. If your PC gets infected, the virus takes control, trashes your data, melts your keyboard into a plastic lump and rapes your teenage daughter. If you’re infected, our advice is to go to our web site where there’s a detailed description of how to rectify the situation. We’ll probably be able to save most of your data and our experts are working on solutions for getting your daughter’s virginity back.”

So if you’re a journalist reading this, then next time there’s another newsworthy virus outbreak, don’t call them, call me—and I’ll tell you that signature-based AV software is not part of the solution but part of the problem. It is horribly flawed and should be abandoned now that there are software products from the likes of Bit9, AppSense and SecureWave that do the job as it should be done and give you complete protection against all viruses. And, dear journalist, I’ll also explain why, technically, their approach is so much better.

We’re not done here. Not even close. It ain’t over until the fat lady stops buying AV software and sings about it.