A wormhole is “a thin tube of space-time connecting distant regions of the universe.” It’s a theoretical deduction from Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity – one that invites astrophysicists to make unlikely pronouncements like: “You know, I think that unexpected pattern of radiation in the region of Alpha Centauri might just be a wormhole”.

UFO fanatics like them too. Their enthusiasm is stimulated a little by the idea that, if NASA can’t find any UFO bases with its space probes, then UFOs probably emerge from wormholes (chock full of alien tourists heading for Area 51, no doubt).

I found a web site which has a clear explanation of Wormhole Activation and Use. Apparently, “Alien-Engineered Wormhole Stars (Pulsars) have Constant Rotational Rates (when at rest). When activated for Teleportation and use, a Pulsar’s Rotation Rate (PRR) varies to an Oscillation Value (OV) (therefore, it is programmed to “assume”) equivalent to its Positive Mass Input (PMI).” It’s just so obvious when you think about it.

Naturally many UFO reports mention wormholes. For example: “The last sighting happened very recently,” Tremblay reported, “March 16, and was witnessed by half of the village. The UFOs appear to get out from the top of the mountain (El Cerro del Pueblo) through a wormhole or an inter-dimensional window.”

Naturally, I’m curious as to which it was; wormhole or inter-dimensional window? Either way, I’m sure some Mexican has bought up the real estate round the wormhole/window and is selling tickets to tourists.

Now, bizarre as it may seem, (and it doesn’t of course), I ran into a conspiracy theory that relates the crash of TWA flight 800 with a wormhole.

“If you believe a Missile brought the plane down then any theory that even smacks of electromagnetic balls of light would probably not sway you. However, theoretically speaking, magnetic rips in space time can create a ripple or wormhole effect which could cause bright flashes that could ignite fuel causing a plane to explode. Some will say it’s improbable, but not impossible.”

And some will say; you’ve lost your marbles.

Nevertheless, the demise of EgyptAir FL990 may have been similar, and also caused by a UFO. Indeed “The evidence suggests that those UFOs leave some sort of worm hole in their wake”, which is inconsiderate to say the least. I’ll bet they park in disabled parking spots too.

It is extraordinary how much people think they know about wormholes; “wormholes are believed to be a part of spacetime foam.” Of course, spacetime foam, I should have realized. “Scientific think tanks are now confident that advanced alien civilizations are constantly speeding through the wormhole tunnels with speeds exceeding 100 times that of light.” Gosh, whole civilizations go wormholing. “Euclidean wormholes are even stranger: they live in imaginary time”. Imaginary? Sounds about right.

There are lots of different kinds of wormholes, by the way; Lorentzian wormholes, traversable wormholes, Schwartzschild wormholes, Morris-Thorne spherical wormholes, Euclidean wormholes and Visser wormholes (actually Visser wormholes are the same as Lorentzian, but are given a different name for the sake of clarity).

And then there’s the “self-referential wormhole”, which I’ve just invented. This is a wormhole that joins the space time continuum precisely to itself so that when you enter it, you emerge back where you came from in no time whatsoever. I’ve actually found one and I’m selling tickets to anyone who’d like to take a ride. ($10 a trip, very reasonable).

Note: Just for fun, in the above safari, I’ve mixed serious physicist speculation about wormholes with wacky stuff. If you can accurately spot which is which in every case, you’re a better man than I am, Gunga Din.